I have the most creative friends. In times of anger we like to give our stories a little flair. You know that added little kick that makes what could have been a bad situation into something HILARIOUS! I mean what good is learning a lesson if you can't laugh at it later?
To start this off right I must back track just a smidge. My darling Elena and I love to share things we find funny, mostly in that sarcastic 'what the hell' but it's all good way. One of my favorite sites to reference is
Hellogiggles.com. It's a site by girls for girls that isn't just about fashion and beauty and celebrity gossip. (BTW Zooey, Sophia, and Molly. I heart you forever for it's creation.) The site posts articles written by it's readers. (Way cool, I know.) And you should all click the link and read some of the content before finishing my silly little post. Just kidding, the best is yet to come.
After a recent break up / debacle, Elena came up with the idea for her and I to start a site similar to hellogiggles. We however would call it 'Thoughts From Everyday People Who Fought to Defend Your Democracy.' The title may be a little long, but hey, it's a work in progress. (Oh, let me tell you how hours of downtime downrange can make a person pretty creative in their musings. Some of the conversations can only be described as... well, random.) As such, she shared with me her first article to her column, Guess what... he's an asshole. (We might have to work on the language...)
After I finished laughing so hard I cried, I figured I would share it with you. Let me know what you think, please?
Guess what…he’s an asshole.
So recently having got of a three-year relationship that was the equivalent of a 1980 five-series jet black BMW with silver trimming and a sunroof that hadn’t had an oil change in a year…translation…it looked really pimp on the outside but was dying on the inside…dying for like a year…I decided to get back to my traditional ways and recently found my way into a relationship that was the equivalent of stealing a jet black Toyota Camry with very expensive rims only to find out that its owner was a raging ghetto maniac and crashing it into a pole. Before I get into the details let me say one thing about my mother.
My mother hates white people and Asian people, basically anyone who is not black or brown. It’s a weird case of over compensation that is most likely the product of growing up in dysfunctional suburbia. Also her mother’s second husband was a white guy who gave my mother a curfew and now every time my mother sees a white guy she mentally takes out a roll of transparent scotch tape and sticks a cutout of her stepfather on his head. So for as long as I could remember she has had this perfect man in her head for whom her daughter should marry. Eww gross mom, nobody gets married anymore, jeez! Anyways, there I am sitting in my apartment building’s pimp ass clubroom watching TV and in walks he…(not so) tall, dark and (decently) handsome man. He grew up in New Orleans (my mother’s favorite town ever since she got stuck there as a tourist during Hurricane Katrina), he graduated from Howard University (my mom loves HBCs), and he was attending law school (my mom loves law schools). We started studying together and having long late night conversations. We drank tea and he told me about how he wanted to save the world while I smoked his cigarettes. I had a pit-bull? He loved pit bulls. I played alternative sports in high school? He played alternative sports in high school. I recently got out of a relationship? He recently got out of a relationship. What could go wrong?
Then one day I got a knock on the door at 1am. I didn’t answer. The next day I got a text, “I really need to talk to you”. So we met and he gave me the horrifying news: his ex-girlfriend (the one who had left him for a movie star actor and was due to be married in a week) had spent $900 on a plane ticket from New Orleans to come and see him. She could’ve gone to Paris for cheaper. He told her not to come…but she already spent the money. He told her to get a hotel room…but she didn’t have any more money left over…silly bear! She was going to stay in his room and he would stay out as late as possible and stay on the couch. Well what a nice man! You see most people would have considered it inappropriate but he was such a nice guy that he didn’t want to leave her out in the cold after all they had been through together. But don’t worry he said, she knows about you and me and she knows that there is no chance of her and me getting back together. I warned her not to do it again and she wont. Case closed!
So you can imagine my surprise when this poor girl searched under her couch and somehow came up with another $900 in loose change for another plane ticket to come out this weekend. Oh what a resourceful little bunny she was! When the news finally got around to me I was shocked. This time the explanation was that she had a conference in town. Oh my god she was here on business…well that explains it. Not quite.
Although he spent the night on the phone with me explaining things in meticulous detail (trust me, this guy was a pro), I used my God-given night to sleep on it. And in the morning things just didn’t sit well with me so I did what I always do. I thought of something fun to get my mind off things. I scheduled a lunch date with and old friend of my own and while on the way out I figured, might as well return the shirt that was left in my apartment after a night of…tea. That would be fun I thought, and it was. I walked over to his apartment to find the resourceful bunny sitting outside of his door. Amazing how she could scrape together $1800 in ten days for a plane tickets but couldn’t manage to do anything but sit on the floor after she had locked herself out of his apartment. Or perhaps the hallway reminded her of home, I don’t know. I walked up to the girl, asked if she was the girlfriend, she said yes. I said I was retuning a shirt, gave her my name and left her in the hallway. Then I went to lunch!
Lunch went by with my phone buzzing like I don’t know what. Nasty text message after nasty text message came in. If I could save all the nasty text massages from my phone and publish them in a book, I would call it, My Life in Nasty Text messages and make so much money I would not have to work anymore. So that relationship was over, or so I thought. I mean, I had hit the abort button but little did I know that the system was experiencing malfunction.
I got home after going to the Apple Store and flirting with another guy from Howard, genius! There was knock at the door. I opened it and there stands the resource bunny, she was so resourceful that she found out where I lived! She gave back the shirt and begin an incomprehensible rant which I am sure translated into…what is the meaning of this, don’t you know that he and I are soul mates and that he would never so much as look at another girl much less have tea with you! I told her that I was sorry but she was mistaken and it was obvious that we were both being lied to. Impossible! He would never lie to her! She would prove it to me and before I could say another word she bounced off to produce this perfect man to tell me so himself. Well I was curious so I waited around for them to return. Damn! I was supposed to go to the gym today! I texted him to tell him that I was waiting for him and his girlfriend to come by but they hadn’t so I was going to the gym. I would only be a few minutes and when they were ready to come down, they could text me and I would come right away. I came back from the gym and no one had come by so I texted again asking when the show started. I took a shower and right as I was stepping out, a knock on the door. I was naked! I got on the phone and told them not to go anywhere; I didn’t want to miss anything. I changed while they waited for me outside my door.
Finally I opened the door and let the madness begin. I was accused of throwing the shirt on the ground, throwing the shirt at her face, throwing the shirt at her hand like a game of catch, all of the horrible things that people do to inflict harm on others with shirts, I had done. Then after watching these two confused people struggle through non-issues, I asked if there was anything that they wanted to say to me of relevance. Again he tried to avoid the issue at hand by starting in on a lecture about how shirt throwing is very bad. I stopped him and asked how long the lecture would go on and if we could please just skip to what he had to tell me. He said and I quote, “Since you threw the shirt, and that was very disrespectful, I want nothing more to do with you.” I looked at the girl and she was as satisfied as tea and cigarettes. I thanked them for their own little version of clarification, asked them to get away from my door and closed it.
I often wonder what the elevator ride back up to his apartment was like for those two freak shows. Did she hear the weakness in the words that he said or did she hear everything she wanted to? Was a man defending her honor in a concocted incident of shirt throwing everything she had hoped for? And I realized it probably was. You see we all have our versions of the perfect man in our head. Her perfect man makes her spend thousands of dollars on plane tickets while keeping an eye out for other women but comes through when confronted with the thought of losing her. My perfect version of man is creative, considerate and very, very hot. And he’s out there…and by out there I mean either crazy or gay but it doesn’t matter because he’s really out there. My mother’s vision of a perfect man is a trifecta dream of tall, dark and handsome with a degree from Howard, working on his law degree while simultaneously walking around with a hard on to save the world. The thing about that guy is that I’ve met him…and guess what mom…he’s an asshole.
